squeakygerbil

I am just so tired. This year I started really taking charge of my Diabetes. I test regularly, I have done everything to educate myself about this, I watch what I eat and I get more exercise. It worked great for a few months to the point where I needed to get my medications changed.

I was overjoyed! My doctor gave me a new prescription for 1 less metformin pill a day.

And then I lost all my control. Blood sugars were way too high which when they go wild like that it makes me feel sick all the time. So we added a new pill.

The new pill made me feel even worse and it caused bad lows so I went to my Diabetes nurse and asked her how to handle low blood sugar. They had never taught us that because of course they assume as a type 2 I will never have low blood sugar just high (which they never actually help us figure out to treat, just prevent). She then asked if my doctor ever wanted to put me on insulin.

Well my doctor has been wanting to put me on insulin since I was diagnosed. I always refused because I hated the idea of injecting myself.

When my Diabetes nurse heard this she had me come to the back office and had me actually do a shot with saline. I decided I wanted to be on insulin immediately.

Well since the middle of August I've been on the roller coaster of trying to get on the right regimen for me. It's been frustrating because the Diabetes nurse seems to take the idea that there is only one regiment which is "take increasing long acting insulin before bed till you get the fasting morning reading you want.

I was told I could get amazing control with insulin that I could never achieve with pills. I still believe that but it looks like I should be arming myself with information about a basal/bolus system being used for Type 2 diabetes.

My computer. I ordered each component and put together the whole computer.

So I have been trying to push myself into making an effort in my photography again. An incident in the later part of 2007 really killed my love of photography for a while. Aaron said that I needed to get back into it because I was so happy with that hobby. Haven't been able to figure out how exactly to get back into it.

So I went to the board that Janice frequents because out of all the photography sections of the different forums I visit, that one was the most friendly to newbies like myself. I had been avoiding that board for a bit because it felt like intruding on Janice's space. I know Janice invited me to that board for the photography section but it just felt odd. So for a new years resolution I decided to leave the specific areas (other than the photography) alone unless a subject line jumps out at me when I hit "new posts" and get into the TTC and the Photography boards.

Just after visiting it again I saw a post in the shutterbugs section about making a blog and posting a picture every day for the year. Well I know I won't actually commit to one photo posted a day but I can commit to one a week. So far I have the one photo but it will be cool to get back into looking for things to take photos of.

Maybe I will be up to that standard of ability that I set for myself when it comes to getting a DSLR camera (I so want the Canon XTi)

My Dad passed away one month ago today. Needless to say it has been a really really tough month. This is the first year since my mom passed away (December 25th, 98) that I haven't sat down on Christmas Day and figured out how many years it has been since she passed away.



KOWBEL,
Alexander Kurt
After a well fought 2 year battle with esophageal cancer, Kurt reluctantly succumbed to the disease on November 28, 2007 in hospital, surrounded by his family.
Kurt was born on June 19, 1952 in Duncan, BC., growing up in various logging camps (including Cowichan Bay) until he settled in Campbell River. Kurt was a logger and a true lover of the outdoors who, depending on the time of year, could be found hunting with his buddies, patrolling his trapline, or heading out with Suzie for an evening fishing in their boat or a weekend at the lake in their camper.
But what he loved most was his family and he will be sorely missed by his cherished wife Suzie, daughters Heather (Aaron Berlo) and Christine (Jason Wallace), grandchildren Lola, Hayley and Dylan, stepsons Bob and Dwayne Ludlow, father and mother in law Norm and Betty Bettis, his brothers Kalvin (Jeanette), Kerry (Zora), Karl (Grace) and Kevin (Lorraine), stepmother Grace and blended family Tammy Escott (Brian), and Reno, Kimberley (Roseline) and Steven Malley, brother in law Ed Bettis, nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins and close friends. Waiting for Kurt on the other side are his first wife, Lin, his dad Mac, his mom Sheila, and many good friends lost along the way.
As it said in Kurt's favorite book, The Old Man and the Sea, "There are many good fishermen and some great ones. But there is only one you."
A Memorial Service will be held on Thursday, Dec. 6th at 1:00p.m. at Sutton's Funeral Home with tea and light refreshments to follow. In lieu of flowers, please give generously to the Campbell River Hospice Society (http://www.crhospice.org/) who was a source of support in his difficult final months. In particular, we owe our gratitude to Rob (Pete) Robinson for the time and comfort he provided to Kurt. We also thank the Home Care nurses, especially Pat and Barb, for their gentle and expert care.

I really wish this bug I caught would go away. I actually threw up in the grocery store yesterday! It was really embarrassing. It's been about a week and it's really starting to cause problems in my life

Well I've spent the past couple of months getting into Photography. I knew my photos could be much better and got a digital camera that I could grow into (that wouldn't break the bank). I spend at least an hour a day working on my photography. Either I am taking photos, reading more about photography or learning how to specifically use my camera better.

The end result is that my photos are looking better. I am now at a point where I am ready to share my photos. On the right forum I get some constructive criticism from people who know more about photography than I do and on other I get a huge ego boost. Or at least that was my plan.

The board I expected advice I did get some but only on a photo that I didn't care for once I got it on my computer. I only put it online because it fit with a funny story regarding the cops stopping me on my last photography walk because someone thought I was acting suspiciously. I wasn't aware how to get the exif data (gives all the exposure, aperture, shutter speed, ISO information) but even I was aware of how to get that information I wouldn't have posted it about that particular photo. It was out of focus because I was too close (something I wasn't able to figure out the cause of) but I also have my aperture settings wrong (which is a pretty major thing when you shoot in aperture priority setting).

The board I expected an ego boost from ended up giving one person an incorrect view of my camera and gave the impression that I am a much better photographer than I really am. I do enhance my photos in [I]Adobe Lightroom[/I] (another thing I am trying to improve in) which does enhance the colors of my photos. I also only ended up sharing about 15 photos when I took over 300 in 2 1/2hrs. It's a bit embarrassing when someone says I should go pro when the photos I shared were not a real showing of my actual ability.

I guess that teaches me about sharing my photos and my expectations from sharing those photos.

My Flickr

My favorite thing is my willingness to try new things without fear. My least favorite thing about myself is that I procrastinate.

extreme tumbling. I think it would be fun!

It doesn't just rain anymore, it pours!

End of July Aaron and I finally splurged and got an air conditioner. I've wanted one for the summer for years but this year Aaron finally said okay (big purchases have to be agreed upon by both of us) because the heat was causing problems for his ankle (which he sprained falling on the ice around the building last winter). The second day of our air conditioner ownership we had a visit from the ex-property manager/current head of strata and the young lady upstairs (who I call "Loonly McNutters" for reasons you will soon understand). Seems Loonly felt that our air conditioner was too loud because "she could hear it". To make a very long story short Loonly was nuts and we were left scared to open our door (strata agreed with our right to have the air conditoner, which we were willing to turn off at 11pm and merely run it on it's fan setting, Loonly threatened to sue us, noise bylaw was in our favor, Loonly went out of her way to make living here horrible, we called cops, Loonly cried to her landlord who freaked on our landlord who came to us, we corrected our landlord who went to her landlord, Loonly was told to cut the crap or move).

At that time our landlord told us that they wanted to do another rent increase and gave us a huge sob story about how because the strata fees were so high that they were loosing money with us living here (we've lived here for 6yrs or so) and he and his wife were being forced to either evict us and do renovations and get a new tenant or do another rent increase of about 15% a month. We were given a rent increase in may for the legally allowed amount of 4% of our rent (which they are allowed to do once a year). Well this has been going back and forth and our landlord is coming by late monday to let us know their decision.




Add to this that my Dads health is not great. The cancer has spread earlier this year and we are now looking at a situation where he is kept "comfortable" while he dies. I went out to the coast for a few weeks at the beginning of summer and it was hard. Dad was on some major painkillers and he would have okay days and not so okay days (a "good" day would be a day without pain which never happened). Talking to him on the phone now is hard because you have to try and catch him at the point where he is just about able to take another bunch of pain pills but not at the point where the pain meds kick in. If he is in a lot of pain he talks through gritted teeth but tries to hide it but too soon after the pain meds kick in and he is completely out of it. At "best" he will repeat himself every 2 minutes because he honestly doesn't remember what he has said (and you have to not let him know he is repeating himself because he will beat himself up for it) and be patient if he drops the phone or isn't speaking properly into the mouthpiece (he is loosing some co-ordination).

It's hard because he is at the point now where he is getting bored. The man worked 60hrs a week for almost 40yrs so sitting at home watching TV just doesn't do it for him. He can't drive himself anywhere anymore (he would space out when driving when I was there in June) and pretty much all of his friends have passed away years ago (except one who lives too far away to visit regularly). So he putts around the house and tries to do stuff to help out and the end result is oven burners left on for hours, dirty dishes put into cupboards, wiring being done incorrectly (thankfully he didn't hurt himself or burn down the house with that one) and a man who always prided himself on being self sufficient sits at home alone waiting to die.

I have to say that this is one of the photos that makes me want to improve with my own photography. It also intimidates me a bit because I know the woman who took this photo and all through her late teens and early twenties she pretty much had a photo glued to her face. I'm serious! At a time before digital was as affordable she must have come close to bankruptcy on film at times!

So now I am reading more and more about what goes into taking a great photo and surfing on Flickr for hours to learn from the amazing photos of others. I love Flickr because I can actually look at beautiful photos that were taken with the same camera that I have. I'm thinking about getting back into photoshop but I really want to work on just one thing at a time (plus all my prior work with photoshop was with photo manipulation and not photo enhancement).

The worst part now is that I really have nothing resembling a "photographers eye". *sigh*

I came across a post in a LJ that was spawned because of some comments made by another person. Comments that were made without thought of how it could come across to others. LJ entry that I think everyone should read

About a month or two ago someone posted about a "dear abby" about a co-worker that had a framed picture of her stillborn baby on her desk. It prompted a good sized debate (which is still raging on as I type this) about if this is acceptable. I will admit that at first thought I felt that it shouldn't be allowed and why would someone want a reminder of something that must have been so painful. I had this mental picture of an obviously dead baby in my mind.

I then found out that many women on that board had such pictures in their signatures and as their avatars. I came to the realization that unless informed of such that stillborn babies look merely like they are asleep. Then I had to ask myself if it's the presence of such photos that bug me or what they are showing? Half way through my participation in that debate I remembered a conversation I once had with my mom.

When I was about 2yrs old or so my mom had a stillborn baby. Her name was Melissa and I didn't know that she ever existed till I was in my teens. My mother had no photos, Melissa was put in a "group cremation" so there was no grave to visit and no one in my family ever talked about her. My mom was basically expected to just pretend Melissa never existed and tend to my sister and I. Things didn't go as planned and left my mom as little more than a robot for much of my childhood.

So I made the decision to really look into why I felt that way with the hopes of seeing these babies with the same "eyes" as I do other babies. So I went to this site and began to look at them. So many people listed there don't even have pictures and I wonder if they will go through what my mom went through.

So today I came across the LJ entry posted at the beginning of this entry and I realized that it is *my* issue with these pictures and with just a little bit of time looking at these pictures you can learn to see them with the same eyes as their parents. I've also learned to be a bit more cautious about how some comments I make can be taken to someone who has experienced a loss I hope never to experience.

Well I posted about this on a forum I frequent and find myself completely amazed that not one other person is against it (other than myself). I didn't expect there to be very many who were as strongly as against it as I am but I didn't expect people to talk to me like I'm a complete fool!

.......I wish there was a stick that could go through the computer screen.

I really haven't been using this lately because I always feel so guilty when I come here and see what it looks like.

A very long time ago (at least a year) I basically removed all the customizations I had made to the layout with plans to spend some serious time doing up a new layout. Well I haven't done that......I hadn't even fixed all the comments for the icons to properly give credit to the people who made them (I just had the web address of there lj and thats it) so tonight I actually went in and fixed them tonight and have decided to just say screw it and go for one of those pre-made layouts that exist till I can go and make one I like.

I will most likely come here and do a good one once I have another bout of insomnia (when I'm not on
Canadian Freebies n Stuff

When the fire for Christ within was re-lit this weekend I thought it would just be returning me to where I was right after I invited the Lord into my heart. I thought it had just returned to me that passion for Jesus, that love for Him and that knowledge that He loves me so much that he sent Jesus to die for me on the cross. I never thought that He would take me so far beyond that but He has!

When I first gave my heart and soul to Him, I was joyus but I wanted to hold that joy and love inside and not let it out into the world and I see now that I smothered and didn't feed that flame which caused it to diminish. I have learned from my error and know now that I need to feed that flame the power of your words given to us in the bible, that I need to give that fire air by fellowshipping with other christians and that I need to keep quiet about my love for you and by doing so smothering that fire but to share my love for you and to share your word and to do your work and allow that fire to grow and to light the flames of others!

I stopped going to church a long time ago because I just didn't feel "right" there. It may have been due to attacks from Satan, it may have been that God wanted me at a different church and I didn't have my ears and eyes open enough to see that I don't know but this morning I went to what was that church has become. I wasn't planning on going there full-time and making that my home church but I knew that I needed to go to church today because I felt that if I wanted to keep that flame alive that I needed to treat it as I would a fire I wanted to keep going by giving it His word, fellowship with other christians and a place to praise Him for all His glory much like you would give a fire wood to burn, protect it from the elements and not close it in so it burned all its oxygen.

I walked in the door and I just felt that is where He wanted me. The church has changed to an open church. Instead of the Holy Spirit speaking to the Pastor who in turn shares that message with the group through a sermon, they encourage the Holy Spirit to speak to the members and the members share with the group, where everyone is encouraged to use there God given gifts to teach the others, where there isn't a leader and followers but a group of leaders essentially.

So during Praise & Worship I had the most vivid picture of being on a train that was going slowly along it's track and watching the scenery go by. I saw large beautiful green trees like there is on the west coast where I'm from, I saw large mountains up close, I saw plains that were perfectly flat and filled with the colors of farms as far as the eye could see. The train moved so slow that if I ran beside it I could keep up but the ride was non-jaring (unlike real trains where they have jaring movements and sway from side to side). It was as vivid and felt as real to me as the keys of my keyboard feel to me now. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced.

After Praise & Worship Alex, the Pastor or better said former-Pastor asked if anyone had anything to share and he looked right at me. Well it scared me to think of saying what I had seen and at that moment I didn't think that was the place to talk about what I had seen. I guess I looked scared because Alex said that he wasn't meaning to single me out.

About 45 minutes later Diane, Alex's wife said that she wanted to have communion because she felt that the Lord was saying that we should have communion today. Just before the first person took communion, Alex asked the Holy Spirit to fill us and give us visions and such. Before it was my tern to take communion I felt that I should ask "How do you know if you are having visions", then I explained what I had seen during Praise & Worship.

Diane, who has the amazing gift to be able to translate such things told me that what she was seeing that my vision ment was that it was God talking to me about how He will train me to do his work, and that it may mean that I need to do it slower or quicker. One of the other women then said that she saw it meaning that as a train you go where the train takes you and that my vision also ment that I will go where God takes me.

So God I give my heart, soul and body to you to use in the way you see fit, and to be a sponge for all the wisdom you have to share with me. I pray that you will continue to share your wisdom with me in any form you see fit and am thankful that you sent Jesus to pay the price for my sins on that cross. What a wonderful God you are!

*copied from another of my blogs*

Well I just had the most amazing experience since I gave my life to the lord.

Not only did I get to see Avalon & Carried Away preform, I got to listen to such speakers as Max Lucado (I love his books and it answered my questions I've asked God in prayer regarding Gifts & Abilities when I listened to him), Patsy Clairmont (I laughed so hard my stomach hurt), Sheila Walsh (when she spoke of her experiences with Depression it brought tears to my eyes because I KNEW how that feels), Lucy Swindoll (God didn't send Jesus to save us, he sent Him to bring us back to life because without Him we are dead), Marilyn Meberg (We are all Masterpeices made by God) as well as Angela Thomas (God uses our ordinary selves to do extraordinary things).

When I did Alpha (many many moons ago now) my group leader told me to never loose my passion for Christ because it was such a wonderful thing to see anyone overflowing with such love for our Creator, but as time went by I slowly watched it disapear and I didn't know what to do about it but convince myself it wasn't happening. It got so bad that I didn't want to even look at a bible & covered many of the posters in my home that contain scripture of favorite verses.

Then a couple of months ago I was given the opportunity to attend the Women of Faith conference in Calgary this weekend. My costs for the weekend would be covered even!

I expected that I would enjoy it because I remembered Aaron's step-mom after she attended last years Women of Faith conference in Spokane, Washington but I never expected that each speaker would affect me, that every speaker's message would be something that I needed to hear.

This weekend's conference did something I never expected it to, it re-lit that flame deep inside me, has helped me to grow and even planted a few seeds which I know will help me to continue to grow as a Christian.

I guess it's no suprise that not only do I plan to attend next years conference, I even plan to attend the pre-conference as well (I have a full year to save up).

So thank you Jesus for guiding Aaron's step-mom to ask me to go, and for telling them to make sure that I went for not only did it bring me back to you but for bringing me closer to you than I've ever felt before.

Dad is driving me nuts! Every weekend I sit at home expecting a phone call and it always ends up that I call him sunday afternoon. He tells me that he was planning to call me this evening but every sunday something has happened which made it a good thing that I called him in the afternoon (had chest pain due to the side effects of the chemo and was in ER, had a temperature and was in ER). Well today I keep picking up the phone, dialing his number and then hanging up because I feel like I am disturbing him when I call him. I know that I'm going to have to do it soon because I don't want to interupt him and my stepmom while they are having dinner.

I actually had to bug Chris about sending the "monthly Lola pics" this month. They send out a link to a photoshare place with pictures of Lola from the past month. Its a really good thing for me (where I am only able to make it out there maybe once a year or so). The reason I bugged her about it was because I knew she would include a picture that had Dad in it and I wanted to actually see how he looks. The picture is of my Great Uncle Nat, my sister, my dad and Lola (taken the first weekend after Dad started treatment). It was nice to see how he doesn't look any different then when I saw him in January (my grandfather looked *completely* different after starting his treatment for cancer and it really scared me).

*I know this post won't make sense to most of the people who read my blog but I will try to explain what I can*

I do too much gaming these days and this past week has been the worst.

Last week on the World of Warcraft site they announce the beginning of a contest, the prize a spot in the beta test for the World of Warcraft expansion pack. To win, there are three contests that can be entered. The first is a PVP (player vs. player) contest where after 2 weeks of PVPing in Warsong Gulch the top "x" people get a beta account (not the contest for me, that much PVP would make me insane). The second contest is the same time frame but the tops 1000 people who can create and lvl the most characters to 25 win (not as easy to track how you are doing in comparison to the rest of the people). The third contest is the first 1000 to lvl a character to 50 (not an easy task but the "easiest" and as such the contest that Aaron and I decided to go for). I say it's the easiest because once you have your character to lvl 50 then you're done.....the other two contests mean being stuck till the end of the contest (the 27th)

Well with a little over 2 days played time (time spent in game) we have a lvl 38 (almost 39). If it wasn't for the daily server downtime it would be higher (and we would be more sleep deprived) and currently the thought of playing makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not a power gamer like Aaron (who would play 24/7 if he didn't need sleep or to go to class). We're currently in the top 20 or so for the Horde and possibly in the top 50 overall (hard to guess). I know how much time and effort we're putting in and then I look at those farther along and it just amazes me (one person is something like lvl 45 already).

It also makes me feel bad because I pretty much have to neglect my own regular characters. My guild only has 3 of us lvl 60 warriors that can be the role of meat shield for guild instance runs (a manditory role in a group) and it bugs me that I've pretty much cut off the ability to do the really late night/early morning runs (when I'm most often online). It really sucks because the guild helped me out with some really nice gear (epic trinket) before I basically disapeared for this contest (well not disapear because they all know why I haven't been logging in there very often). Its odd because I actually miss the people in my guild. We're a realtively small guild of maybe 30-40 people (and only me and like 3 other girls) but we are a relatively close group. A lot of the time since I reached lvl 60 with Moo (my main character, Moodingaling a Female Tauren Warrior) I just spend most of my in-game time chatting away in the guild chat channel.

On the un-related newsfront my Dads treatment is going well. His first week was tough on him and they say that it will only get worse as the treatment continues and he had to go to the emergency in CR twice on Sunday due to "attacks" (Dad didn't clarify other than to say that its a side effect from the chemo). This week was just daily radiation (as will the next 3 weeks) and he got home last night (friday) but I haven't talked to him since tuesday evening (he was supposed to call me Sunday as he had to head back to Victoria on Monday but due to the ER visits he wasn't able to so he called me on the cell on tuesday). He even managed to make it to my uncles big birthday bash on Saturday (though he only stayed for something like an hour before he got too tired). Christine and Jason brought Lola and went to see him last weekend (they stayed with him and Sue for the weekend) and Chris said that he is just tired a lot (understandable). Because he is so tired I try not to keep him on the phone that long (Chris said that it seemed like everyone and there dog called him last weekend and kept him on the phone so they could find out how he was doing and how the first week went). He is eating a lot of solids (though I think its just so he can enjoy them while he can as its likely that before this is done and overwith he won't be able to swallow solids till they remove the tumor). I think he is getting a bit irked at me asking him about food and weight but I don't want it to be like when my Grandpa Mac had cancer and I went to see him during a visit to the coast and when he opened the door I hardly recognized him (I had been warned by Dad that Grandpa Mac looked different but nothing that could have been said to prepare me for when I saw him the summer before he passed away).

So that is basically what has been going on here...........or at least everything that I wanted to discuss in here today :)


KEY
PVP- Player VS. Player, where instead of fighting monsters and such that are part of the game you're opponent is another person
World of Warcraft- MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). Basically where you shell out 80 bucks for a game and then to be able to play it you have to shell out another 15-20 bucks a month in subscription fees. While there are some that role play, it isn't a very common occurance.
Instance- Big dungeons where you need to work together with other people to even have a chance.......often the place to get the best loot.
Loot- In game money,  amor,  trinkets (things that can be equiped on a character to give stat bonuses)
Stats- It can be your characters health, intelligence, stamina, agility.
Meat Sheild- A term used in many MMORPGs for Warriors or such characters. Have high amor and health points and in a group they purpose is to keep the monster attacking them and not going after group members which may have little health or armor.
DPS- Damage Per Second. Also used to refer to characters that are able to cause a lot of damage to a monster in a short amount of time. In WoW its often Warlocks, Mages, Shamans and such.
Epic- Really rare items that give amazing stat bonuses
Protection Warrior- A warrior which has been built to be able to keep monsters focused on them and not group members. Has talents which help out but often is not able to do a lot of damage to monsters.
DPS Warrior- A warrior specifically made to deal out damage to monsters.
Talents- In WoW just because you create a certain kind of character (like a warrior) doesn't mean you have to be the exact same as every other warrior. As you level you are given talent points which you can use to customize your character with special abilities and such.
Lvl- Level. In MMORPGs, the higher lvls are take more time to reach than the lower ones. Example. I can go from lvl 1-5 with a character in about 30 minutes total but it took almost 30 hours of playing time to go from lvl 59 to lvl 60 (lvl 60 is the highest lvl one can reach in WoW.....at least till the expansion pack comes out where the highest possible lvl is being raised to lvl 70).
Tauren- A race in WoW where they are basically walking cows.......and as such an irresistable race IMO)

Well dad started treatment today for his cancer. He sent an mass e-mail to everyone even :)

His humor is intact.....he says that the they have given him "some good drugs" and that the only side effect is a huge appetite! He says that if it keeps up he can leave one of him there and return home lol. His e-mail both brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face! I spent all day wondering how he was doing and it really was great that he was able to send the e-mail to let everyone know how things we going.

I don't remember if I've mentioned what the treatment they have him undergoing is but it's one week chemotherpy and radiation therpy (five days a week) followed by four weeks of radiation therepy (five days a week) followed by another week of chemotherpy and radiation. After that they will basically remove his esophogus along with the tumor.